Four Days Away

So we're four days from take-off. Well, really three and a half. So how am I feeling? Pretty much any emotion you think you might feel in my shoes, I'm feeling it. I've had an amazing two weeks off between jobs. Visiting Liz in DC was an excellent vacation and all the lunches and dinners catching up with people have made me feel like the popular girl in high school. I haven't just been out having a good time though. I've also been packing, cleaning, tossing, shopping, weighing luggage, and constantly reminding myself that YES you are really leaving and going across the world to teach English to cute little Korean kids.

I've got a lot of "see you laters" left to say over the next few days and I am dreading them enormously. I've got so many great friends and family and I am just way too lucky. I plan on finding their Korean look alike and then getting my picture taken with them.

Leaving and packing up hasn't just meant saying "see you later" to people but also to places and things. I lived in my apartment for 6 years. 6 years. It never had a dishwasher that worked (it just sat there mocking me for six years) and had lots of weird quirks that I hated and a lot more that I loved. I made a garden. I hung pictures. I had plans for things I never did. It was comfortable. I had lots of good times there and packing it up and turning in the keys was hard. Harder than I expected. I've also got to sell my car. My little VW was the first car I bought all on my own. Its been a good car and peeling off all my stickers today made me feel like she was already gone. All those beach trips, movies, youth group chauffeuring, and days of singing Adele at the top of our lungs are contained within it. It is a keeper of memories as well. She will be missed greatly.

Letting go has been like, the least fun thing. Granted, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "letting go and change are the best things in the world! I feel like a million bucks!" but maybe i'm wrong and there is some crazy optimistic person around that does say that. If you know them, don't tell me, but maybe "accidentally" trip them or "accidentally" squirt lemon juice in their eye for me and shove them in front of a bus (that has stopped of course. No one needs to be horribly maimed, just inconvenienced and a little scared).

Building a life and home is kind of what our brains are built to do I think. I mean, I guess some of us are nomads and want to travel around, but I've always been a homebody and I have built myself a pretty fine looking nest. Now I'm putting some newspaper over the top and a keep out sign on my branch hoping that when I come back, some of that nest will still be together. Other birds won't have moved away or changed jobs. Some other bird won't have come and taken pieces of it away to build their own nest leaving me a little drafty. That not everything will have changed. I know that sounds super dramatic and it is in the way that I'm freaking out about leaving and my brain does crazy things, but I've seen my sisters come back from their new locations to see how Raleigh has changed. New places to eat at, new quirks to scoff at, new ugly apartment buildings to question the building of. I want some of it to feel the same when I come home so that even if I change and others change there will still be the sameness that I found so comfortable and so frustrating. The sameness that I'm shaking off now to pursue this crazy traveling and teaching experience. I need it to all be here when I get back so I can snuggle back into it a little and maybe find a same but different place to fit into.

I don't know if much of that makes sense. I guess it's just where my brain is at right now. Bear with me. It has definitely been a bit of a roller coaster these last few weeks. There are a few things that I need to remind myself of now so that when i'm over there I don't feel so lonely. One, is that so many people love me and will miss me. I am lucky to have so many friends who have called, emailed or taken me out that I know I will never be truly alone. The other is distance is not important. Finding ways to stay connected and furiously pursuing them will always keep number one from being obsolete. So stay in touch people. Write me. Comment. Facebook. Whatever. Just say hi or tell me a funny pun even if you know i'll be groaning internally. It will keep me going until I get my "Korea legs" and can dive into the adventure that I know will be amazing, but right now just feels really really far away. We're all going to Korea together. I'm just the one taking the long flight.